My Favorite Jokes

Happy Friday!

Also, happy day-before-International-Day-of-Happiness….day, haha!

In honor of tomorrow, I thought I’d do something a little different today, and share some of the jokes I turn to when I’m either looking to make others laugh or seeking to cheer myself up. Now of all times the world needs a bit more laughter and smiling, doesn’t it?

I’ll admit, one-liner jokes tend to be my favorite, simply because my memory is too bad to keep track of longer ones. Most the times that I try telling long jokes to people, they end up flopping because I’ve forgotten some crucial part of them. Still, I do appreciate them, and have included my favorites below.

Along with forgetting longer jokes, I’m sure I’ve forgotten to include all my favorite quips1 – but here are a bunch that I enjoy hearing over and over again. At the very least, these can always be counted on to draw a grin and a groan from me. I hope I can at least draw the same from you.

Be warned: great cheesiness lies ahead.

Question Jokes

~ Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.

~ What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

~ What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.

~ Do you know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.

~ What’s red and moves up and down?
A tomato in an elevator.

~ What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, dude! Breathe!

~ What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

~ What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

~ What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree?
A pool table.

~ Who can jump higher than a house?
Pretty much anyone. (Houses can’t jump.)

~ What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

~ What’s the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.

~ What do you call a dog with no legs?
You can call him whatever you want, he’s still not coming.

~ What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

~ How do you make a pirate furious?
Take away the “p.”

~ What do you get when you cross a writer with a deadline?
A really clean house.

Knock-Knocks

~ Knock knock. 
Who’s there? 
Nana. 
Nana who? 
Nana your business.

~ Knock knock. 
Who’s there? 
Hatch. 
Hatch who? 
God bless you.

~ Knock knock. 
Who’s there? 
Tank. 
Tank who? 
You’re welcome.

~ Knock knock. 
Who’s there? 
Control Freak. 
Con— 
Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?!”

~ Knock knock. 
Who’s there? 
Olive. 
Olive who? 
Olive you and I don’t care who knows it!

~ Knock knock. 
Who’s there? 
Déja. 
Déja who? 
Knock knock!

~ Knock knock. 
Who’s there? 
To. 
To who? 
It’s to whom.

~ Knock knock. 
Who’s there? 
FBI. 
FB –
We’re asking the questions here.

Random

~ Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”. The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter!”.

~ I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: “Hey, you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”

~ A guy told me, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” So I replied, “No it doesn’t.”

~ I was walking through a quarry, and said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!” “Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “That sure is a big rock!

~ A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes!

~ I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty seconds. It’s only three words, but it’s a start.

~ A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What was that all about?”

~ Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

~ The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

~ Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

~ Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

~ Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.”

One-Liners

~ “I was going to tell you a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it.”

~ “I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.”

~ “Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.”

~ “I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.”

~ “I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.”

~ “The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.”

~ “It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.”

~ “If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.”

~ “I threw a boomerang a couple years ago. I now live in constant fear.”

~ “Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.”

~ “I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.”

~ “There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.”

~ “If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re usually 90 degrees.”

~ “Did you hear about the population of Ireland? It’s Dublin.”

~ “Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.”

~ “I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National zoo.”

~ “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did – not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.”

~ “I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.”

~ “I was sitting in traffic the other day.  Probably why I got run over.”

~ “Five guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would’ve seen it.”

Well, those are some of my favorite jokes! I hope you found them as amusing as I do, haha, or that they at least brought a smile to your face. Nothing brightens a day like laughter! (Especially when you’re laughing at really, really bad jokes).

What are YOUR favorite jokes? I’d love to find out what quips and one-liners make you chuckle, so let me know your favorites in the comments below! I look forward to hearing them!

1. Because most of these jokes are ones I’ve been told over the years, I didn’t even try to track down and give credit to their creators. None of them are mine though!

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Published by E. G. Bella

E. G. Bella is a bookworm turned author with a passion for cheesy puns, colorful characters, and contagious faith. Unlike most of her characters, she comes from a warm and loving home, and actually enjoys getting up with the sun. She writes in a wide variety of genres, crafting memorable, page-turning tales the whole family can enjoy.

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