Hello and happy Wednesday!
I’m thrilled to say that I’ve been working on Cabin Girl again lately, immersing myself once again in the world of piracy and mysteriousness. And if my brain is swimming with pirates right now, why not embrace it?
Cabin Girl is a pretty serious book most of the time, so I wanted to take a break, lighten things up, and share thirty of the funniest pirate jokes that I could find (none of them are mine). I hope you enjoy!
Warning: extreme cheesiness ahead!
~ I have never heard any funny pirate jokes, have you?
No, neither have ayyyeee.
~ Q. What did the elderly pirate captain say when asked if he was 80?
A. “Aye, Matey.”
~ Q. What do you call a pirate mutiny?
A. A conspira-sea!
~ A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: “They’re benign.”
The pirate replies: “no, no doc, there be eleven. I counted them before I came here.”
~ Q. Why type of socks do pirates wear?
A. Arrrrgyle
~ Q. Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate?
A. Because he was standing on the deck.
~ Q. Why do pirates carry swords?
A. Because swords can’t walk.
~ Q. How do you turn a pirate furious?
A. Take away the “p.”
~ Q. What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
A. One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.
~ A pirate walks into a bar. It was at that moment that the pirate realized he was wearing his eyepatch on the wrong eye.
~ Q. How do pirates prefer to communicate?
A. Aye to aye!
~ Q. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A. Because they can spend years at C.
~ Q. What’s a pirate’s least favorite veggie?
A. Leeks
~ Q. What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?
A. A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries.
~ A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said: “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said, “Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye.”
The sailor said, “That’s not as impressive as the other two. …”
“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.”
~ Q. What kind of a ship is most feared by pirates?
A. The Steady Relationship.
~ Q. How do pirates prefer to communicate?
A. Aye to aye!
~ Q. How will you make a pirate furious?
A. Just take away the “p”
~ I was halfway through writing a movie script about a pirate that kept on losing his wooden leg. It turns out there is already a film called “footloose”.
~ Q. What do you call a foolish pirate?
A. The pillage idiot
~ Q. What’s orange and sounds like a pirate’s parrot?
A. A carrot!
~ Q. Which side of a pirate’s parrot has the prettiest feathers?
A. The outside!
~ Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
~ Q. Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?
A. Because booty is only shin deep!
~ Q. What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs?
A. A beginner.
~ Q. Where can ye find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
A. Right where ye left him!
~ Q. Why would you join a band of pirates?
A. Pier pressure.
~ Q. When do pirates remove the anchor?
A. At the kraken of dawn.
~ Q. Do pirates enjoy fighting?
A. Sword of . . .
~ Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”
Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”
The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”
(That last one is one I’ve been told at least three times now, so if it’s going to live rent-free in my head, it might as well be in yours too, haha! You’re welcome.)
These were thirty of the funniest pirate jokes that I could find! Do you have any you’d like to add? Please feel free to drop them in the comments below. I’d love to hear them!
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