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Final Reflections of a Single Bella

Happy Sunday!

It’s been a while since I just sat down and blogged. Not for a review, not a tag . .. simply sharing my thoughts and what God’s been doing in my life recently. I’ve sure been learning a lot!

As you may have noticed, I blogged a grand total of once in February. I hadn’t intended to disappear for a month, but turns out, preparing to get married takes up a lot of time! Who could have guessed, right?

We’re in the final countdown now . . . just thirteen more days until I’m a married woman! And despite how dramatic and solemn the title of this post is, I’m so excited. I’ve been counting the days until the wedding since we got engaged, and now I’m counting hours (317 at the time of posting, if you’re curious).

It’s not every day you start a new life with your best friend. I feel extremely blessed to be given that opportunity.

Truthfully, I feel a lot of things. The past few months have been full of different thoughts, emotions, and realizations – sometimes overwhelming, and often eye-opening.

Of course there are many details and things to think about in planning the wedding day itself. But more than that, every day has brought more realizations of things that will change once we’re married.

Some very exciting, some more bittersweet. My family continues to guilt-trip me (half-jokingly) about each family birthday or event, and how it will be my last one at home. How every meal I have with my fiancé is one fewer that they get to have with me. How they’re going to need to bribe us to come over and hang out (not likely!).

To clarify, my family is completely supportive of the marriage and have been absolute life-savers with all of their help so far. They’re excited for us, and my fiancé fits very well into our zany craziness. So it’s not that they’re disappointed or sad about the marriage at all.

But I do realize things will change for them as well. Smaller things, such as our rotating chores lists, shower schedules (one bathroom and seven people makes for some interesting mornings), and keeping certain foods around. But also bigger things, like spontaneous movie or game nights, family meals, or random late-night conversations about anything.

Now, I’m extremely excited to do those things with my fiancé. And I’m sure they’ll still happen with my family after we’re married. But yes, things will change.

Change has never been easy for me. On one hand, I love new things. I love traveling, seeing new things, trying new foods and hobbies. But at the end of the day, I want the familiar, the surroundings and people I’m used to, and the comfortable. I want to go back home.

So how do you know what to feel when you’re between two homes? I imagine it’s much different for those getting married after they’ve already been on their own, moved out. My fiancé has already dealt with the initial moving out and getting used to that new separation from his family, so it’s a bit smoother of a transition for him.

But I’ve been home all my life. So I imagine the hardest part of the transition is just going to be getting used to a new home. The place, the routines, the people . . . it’s different.

But different isn’t bad. Different is something I’m looking forward to. I’m just a walking contradiction right now, and expect I will be for a little bit while I get used to everything. Until all the feelings sort themselves out.

Bittersweet, excited, scared, joyful, unprepared, hopeful, shaky, calm, worn out, energized…

Can you tell one reason I haven’t blogged for a bit, haha? It’s difficult to focus my thoughts on any one thing right now. But I’m told that’s normal, and I imagine so.

And truly, I didn’t think it was possible, but I’m getting more and more excited with every passing day – or hour! I’ve been telling my fiancé that he feels like home to me for months, so I can’t wait to make that feeling a reality. He’s stuck with me through an awful lot for the past year and a half, and I feel comfortable, safe, and so, so blessed to be marrying him.

He claims to feel the same way, although I’m currently testing that, thanks to a cold I passed to him this week, haha. The only two times he’s been sick since we’ve dated, I’ve given him the illness. Not on purpose, of course! But hey . . . spouses are supposed to share everything, right?

(. . . just joking . . . I feel bad about it, but he’s been super sweet and says he’d spend time with me all over again, even if he knew he’d get sick. We’re hoping getting sick now means we won’t after the wedding – fingers crossed!)

Planning-wise, we’re getting to the end of things. It’s just pulling everything together at this point. This week is moving week for me. Obviously, I’ll be waiting to move in until April 1st, but to avoid triggering migraines (at least as much as I have control over), I want to be done with all but what I need for the last week at home already moved to our apartment.

Next week, we have two days before the wedding to get things set up, decorated, compiled, and rehearsed, and my fiancé and I were both thankfully able to take the day off before the wedding so the extra time will be helpful.

We have our rings, wedding clothes, our marriage license (slightly important), officiant, decorations, invitations long since sent out, wedding shower completed and thank-you’s sent, ceremony figured out, gifts for helpers, and pre-marital counseling completed.

Really, all that’s left to figure out is specific things like exact times to get each place, where to take couples pictures and have the first look, print programs, etc. We’ve had so much help to get where we are!

We wanted a smaller, simple wedding, and have taken out a lot that is usually included in weddings nowadays, but there’s still a surprising amount of details we’ve needed to think about. I can’t imagine doing anything bigger and am so glad we’ve kept it simpler.

(Simpler, not necessarily smaller . . . as our family-only wedding is still near 120 people. I have a big family, haha).

Recently, I’ve been asked if, a year and a half ago, I would have ever guessed I’d be getting married now. And no! Not at all! God’s plans are so much greater than ours.

My fiancé came into my life only a couple of months after I had a very heartfelt conversation with God, giving him my desire for a husband, a best friend, someone that could be mine and I could be theirs. But it finally wasn’t a prayer asking Him for it. It was a prayer surrendering that desire.

I still wanted it, absolutely. But after a lot of prayer and wrestling, I recognized that the constant desiring and trying to make it happen on my own, wasn’t helping me. It was making me ungrateful and too caught up in “what-ifs” rather than what was already happening in my life.

So that prayer was me basically telling God, “I still want this, You know that. But I’m going to stop focusing on it. You know best, and I’m just going to trust You with this. And if it doesn’t happen, You’re enough.”

One of the hardest prayers I’ve ever prayed.

And I hesitate to share this, simply because I don’t want to make it sound like all you have to do to find a spouse, if that’s your desire, is to pray those words and poof – God will make it happen. It wasn’t the prayer, the words, or anything I did physically. I know it was simply me reaching the place, genuinely and truly, where my heart was more focused on God than finding that person.

And I guess that’s what God was waiting for, because shortly afterward was when, at a friend’s wedding, I reconnected with my fiancé – someone I’d known of and shared experiences with in high school, but never actually knew.

And here we are, less than two weeks from being husband and wife.

God is so good, so gracious, and so patient. He’s already been working in my heart, challenging me to be kinder, more compassionate, more patient, to rest in Him, and to be more sacrificial. I know I have a lifetime of learning ahead of me, not just to be a better Christian, but soon to be a better wife as well.

So no matter how much might be going through my mind, or going on in my life right now, I’ve never looked forward to something so much. I can’t wait for April 1st!

And yes, it’s legitimate, haha. Not an April Fool’s joke. Believe me, we’ve heard the jests too many times to count already . . . but that’s part of the charm, right?

I do plan to pop in one last time before the marriage with some more factual updates (blogging, writing, reading, what to expect from me in the next few months, etc.), so look for that the 29th of March.

And until then, thank you so much for wading through my ramblings. I’m so grateful for everyone who reads my posts, no matter how disorganized, sappy, or random. You make my life brighter!

God bless you, and have a wonderful week!

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